Petty Reviews: Subnautica

The ocean is scary! Too scary! Humans can’t survive in that environment. We need all of our scuba gear and submarines to spend any length of time down there. Anything and everything can potentially hurt you or poison you. We haven’t even finished mapping it out and figuring out what’s down there. For all we know, Cthulhu might be napping in the dark deep down. Humans don’t belong in the ocean!  

And an alien ocean is even worse! In Subnautica you are the only survivor of a crashed spaceship stranded on an alien ocean planet. Everything is weird! Anything could hurt you! You’re a tiny fragile human in a very scary completely unknown world. The whole situation is terrifying. I hated it so much. 

I don’t know why I played Subnautica. It was one of the WORST decisions I’ve ever made. I have never, NEVER, been more scared while playing a video game. Ugh… I hate the ocean. 

The first time I went swimming it was both pretty and panic-inducing. I had to figure out how to master the controls and what would hurt me. Then my faithful computer warned me about my remaining oxygen. Drowning was a whole new fear on top of the regular scary ocean fears! That was almost enough to make me quit right then. 

Still, I thought the game deserved a more thorough try. I got to the point where I was enjoying parts of the game. The environment biomes of Subnautica are well done and interesting to explore. Despite acting like a sniveling coward every time the sun went down, I was mostly okay. 

Until… the sand-sharks… stupid evil water gremlins.

This is a subnautica sand-shark. They’re all jerkwads.

I was an hour into the game. I was starting to get frustrated with how difficult it can be to figure out where to find the correct materials. When all of a sudden I saw a big chunk of wreckage from the Aurora (the spaceship). I started investigating to find supplies and blueprints. While scanning one of the fragments laying about, I heard a loud low pitched growling. Naturally I freaked out and got the heck out of there as fast as possible, all while screaming. It was not one of my finer moments. 

What made the whole thing worse was that I didn’t see anything! I only heard something mean and then nothing happened! Absolutely terrifying! Still I mustered up what little remained of my courage and decided to try again. Because I needed that fragment scanned, gosh darn it. 

I waited for a bit just in case but I didn’t see anything. So I went down again. Much more scared than the first time, but I was there. Then the same thing happened again! But this time I saw the sand-shark coming for me! After the second round of screaming and swimming away as fast as the sea-glide could go, I said “Screw this.” and turned the game off. 

I will not be playing Subnautica ever again. It’s too scary. The ocean is way too scary. I have learned if I was ever in the position of the protagonist in this game, I would die. I would die so fast. 

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